My way and the Lords way

I have found that one of my most persistant personality traits is my independence. I hate the very thought of being dependent on anyone. I don't like too many stringent regulations on how I conduct my work. I don't like getting money I dont deserve since it tells me that I'm dependent on someone elses money for my support. I dont even really like set schedules. I guess thats why I chose the education I chose. Because it gives me freedome in my work.
The flipside of this striving for independence is that while I always wanted independence I never learned how to deal with actually having it. How to get myself to do the right and necessary things when noone was watching me or telling me what to do.

Enter the current war on lazyness. Now you'd think that I'd finally found the tools to deal with my inability to handle independence and finaly I would become a complete person in this respect. How wrong I was. Things went great to start with but soon I began noticing that something wasn't right. I looked at what I was doing but couldnt figure it out. And in most respects the program I've put myself under has been working great, there was just that undefinable thing... It wasnt until this sunday that I finaly figured out what it was. I had pretty much cut out the one person that made all of it possible and who lead me to the point where I made the decision to change. So in order to rectify this misstake I am here going to give my tribute to that one person.

Jesus Christ, the son of God, the Saviour of the world, the Creator of heaven and earth, the prince of peace, is my personal friend and brother! This realisation and testimony has come to me slowly over the last few years. He brought me to where I am today through counless trials and tribulations. To an outside observer it might seem like I should be angry instead of thankfull. But whenever I think of him its thankfullness that fills my heart. I cannot even begin to describe my feelings as I think of the times I've served him. The love I've felt, and the painfull truths about myself he has revealed. It was he who pressed upon my mind the gravity of my situation. It was he who comforted me when I felt that it was too much to bear, that it was hopeless and that I would remain the way I was forever. It was he who asked me, time and time again, to step out into the darkness and find the path back. It was he who presented me with the tools I needed to get my life in order, and I promptly forgot all he had done and trusted entirelly in the methods of man. But he was patient and lead me gently back to the path.

In summary I can say that I know that my redeemer lives! I know that he died for me, and the very thought makes me feel a stab of sorrow as well as overwhelming joy that he loved me so, that he would die for me. I know that he rose again on the third day and in so doing freed us all from the shackles of death. I can never thank him enough fo all that he went through in order to save a simple soul like mine. May I never forget his love and sacrifice and may I always remember his words to his appostles: "...I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world. Amen." (Matt 28:20)

May I leave this tribute and testimony to you all and with this end todays entry, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen

Report from the trenches

This last week has been all about settling into routines. Both good and bad ones. I'm getting used to my new schedule. I have a tendency to, given the chance, change my hours if I dont have anything set to do early in the morning. And in school this last year I had a lot of late lectures so I sort of got used to getting up later. That offcourse leads to a shorter day and getting to bed later. Those who know me know that I'm an expert at this. I have had to take drastic measures to get my sleeping patterns back into place several times. The routine of getting up early in the morning is getting easier and easier. Thats one good routine, however I havent quite started getting to bed on time. And this will probably not work in the long run. So thats a bad routine.

When this week started and allmost everyone I know went of to FestiNord I figured it'd be a calm week in which I would get a lot done. Reality turned out to be different. Three out of five nights I spent with a couple of friends and I didnt get a lot of things done. I dont consider it a waste though as one of my friends is leaving for home in Taiwan on sunday.

Here I am now. It's saturday and I have a lot of things to do. Instead I write my blog :P I guess thats good to. Writing this makes me more aware of myself and helps me focus my attention where its needed. My appartment is a mess since my brothers slept over here last night. So I'm leaving you now to go get some stuff done! Wish me luck!

*Straps on helmet and heads back to the front line*

War report - the first two weeks

After all this theory I think its time for a report from the war! My initial campaign against laziness was a smashing success! Having the element of surprise I was able to, through a series of blitz attacks, beat the enemy all the way back to the front door. There however he used the old proven technique of distraction (I got a job offer) and used his short respit to fortify himself in my laundrybin. I retreated to deal with the distraction and later returned and launched a massive campaign against him. But by this time he had establiched a strong beachhead in my kitchen from where he is now continously launching guilt and stress attacks against me. Today I launched several succesfull attacks against him and his position is severely weakened but he is still in control of that area. Hopefully tomorrow will bring better luck.

I bet everyone is going "?????" at this. Whenever I look closer at myself I find that I am very contradicting. For example I am very sensitive to clutter. When things are not clean and organised it makes me stressed, it makes me feel down and drains my resolve and strength to do things. On the other hand I am an expert at generating clutter. It comes so natural to me. I bet if there were olympic games in being undiciplined I'd reach a medal position in clutter every time.

Knowing this, one of the bigger changes I made was to make sure my living space was clean and organised. But my laundry gave me some trouble as I couldn't get a laundrytime immediately and other things kept distracting me. I actually bumped it up several days on my list until I figured out that I'd simply plan a time when I would go and book a time in the laundry room. (Not plan a time that I would book the room for, but rather plan a time when I would do the actual booking of the laundry room. I know, its really lame.) Either way by the time I had that done I had started my new job. I now work with logistics and specifically with handling import of cargo from the far east. This requires diciplin and organisation (I know its another contradiction in my life, that I, the guy who cant organise his own life is working with organising import of cargo :P )

Either way this really changed the framework on which I was fighting my war on lazyness. Now I have to deal with actual earned tiredness and having a large chunk of my day taken away from me in the most unflexible of ways. The timeslot in which I can take care of my appartement has shrunk considerably. So I let one of my favorite clutterzones clutter up again. The kitchen. Those who know me also know that at times one shouldn't venture into my kitchen without mountaineering gear :P So I thought I'd deal with it by puting the dishes on my list. Three days later I finaly, reluctantly, actually started doing them. I have gotten most of it out of the way but some remains to taunt me tomorrow. I'm learning first hand the dangers of letting things fester on my list. Everyday that there are unfinished tasks on my list makes my resolve drop. I guess my initial burst of energy has worn of and I now have to reenergise myself every day in order to stay ahead of the lazyness. It is now that I discover if I can stick with it or if its just another halfhearted attempt to change myself on the outside without letting the inside follow. But don't you worry. I have no intention of loosing this war!

Have a great day!

PS. A downside of getting a job this late in the summer is that getting time of becomes impossible. I'm not coming to FestiNord :( But lets not get down over that I wont have my routines interrupted beyond repair by it either :)